December 3, 2013 - IAmElectronicsChampion
ETLs are not humans
Ok, I’m just 100%, ammend the constitution, stop the presses, sure that ETLs are not human beings. They are some sort of mutant alien robot void of empathy and human emotion. Have you ever talked to an ETl about anything other than Target? I understand this could be completely subjective, but none of my managers have any desire for anything other than driving sales and pushing red cards.
So I was talking with a fellow “team member.” Ya know, like human to human, experience sharing verbal contact. I think we were talking about conquistadors and how they successfully inadverdently pillaged South America. They believed it was God’s divine message that the white man would destroy the pagans, but really it was their foreign diseases that the natives had not developed an evolutionary vaccination for. Enter STL. She randomly walks up to us and says “we do have flu shots” We just stop mid sentence of our convo and simultaneously say, “what?” She goes, we have flu shots, you don’t want to get the flu, “yall were talking about getting vaccinated for the winter, right?” We were just like no and said something stupid like “just western imperialism.” And she said, well no talking while you work. She has to be a robot. Or a really boring person, but I’m teetering more towards artificially mechanized human being.
So this was in October when the flu season was peeking over the horizon, and at team huddles, that was all they talked about. They were like, “Flu shots are available, the flu is terrible, you don’t want the flu, you will be real sick, I was in a coma for 3 weeks.” That was an exxageration, but they played it up to be a deadly virus that they sincerely hoped you wouldn’t contract. Which it is of course, but they really made it seem like they cared for you. I was convinced. But I had never gotten the flu. I said hey, I’m 0 for 18, surely I’ll miss it again
Fast forward to 11/30. I wake up with shivers, aching legs, the nastiest cough you will ever hear, and a bitch of a head ache. What do you know, I got the flu! It really sucks, I feel a little better now, but I was in pure agony that first day. So I make a heroic crawl across my bed to reach for the phone on the other side of the room. I call the store, get Mr LOD on the phone, and the conversation goes as follows. (parenthesis are my thoughts)
LOD: This is hardlines etl blah blah, can I help you find something??
me: (do you guys the true meaning of life in stock by chance) It’s blipblob, how are you today?
LOD: I’m great, blipblob, how are you?
me: (I really don’t care) Not so great, I’m not gonna make it to work today.
LOD: And why’s that blipblob?
me: (do you hear my fucking voice?) ah, I’ve got a crazy fever, a blistering cough, and i’m essentially paralyzed in my bed.
LOD: Okay, thank you.
and he hangs up. I painted a picture of an elderly man on his death bed desperately calling for a final conversation, and all the old man gets is thank you. He didn’t even say, hey, I hope you feel better, or something at least slightly interactive, like drink lots of fluids.
So, I basically spend all day in bed saturday, and wake up sunday feeling just as shitty. I had to go to the doctor. Oh yeah, and I had to call in to work again. So I pick up the phone once again.
ring a ding ding
LOD: This is blah blah, hardlines ETL, can I help you find something?
Me: (wut am i doing with me life…) Yes, It’s blipblob again, and I’m still feeling like death.
LOD: Ok, do you have a doctor’s note?
Me: (I just really feel like my voice alone constitutes a doctors note, how about I cough?) No, I but I’m about to go to the doctor.
LOD: So you don’t have one yet?
Me: (I’ll try speaking Spanish this time) No
LOD: Well you’re going to need one. When are you working again?
Me: I’m scheduled for Tuesday and I may or may not be ready by then
LOD: Ok, bye
There’s just no personal connection with these people which totally destroys any potential for vibe, which target once again, makes a corporate attempt to push for. Monsters. But I realized something today. I had to call in again, cause what can i say, the flu is shitty. I got a different LOD and told her I got the flu, but again, same apathetic response.
I realized that they don’t really care about you. They don’t want you to be vaccinated for your own positive welfare. They want you in the store! You’re making it easy for them and easy to make money, because you cost nothing to do it!!! They make a lucrative profit off of you. You are one hell of an efficient piece in their money making machine. So when you call in pitifully to admit you can’t work, they try to teach a lesson. I’m never getting a flu shot from those bastards, even if it is free. Who gives a fuck, I have my pride to polish. I’d rather get the flu and call in for a week and watch those bitches whine than get their crappy flu shot and have to listen to their petty commands for that whole week. and who cares about the money. I can make more money doing odd jobs or actually helping local families in an hour than I do for a full 8 hour shift at fucking target. I hate this place with a passion, but being a bumfuck moving furniture accounts to nothing on a resume, where as target actually, somehow, apparently looks semi impressive, and trust me. Target is motivating me to do important things.