November 8, 2012 - TargetSucks
Target Employees Hump Each Other. True Story.
I don’t work for Target anymore, yet my loathing for the company still clings to me like a dingleberry that I just can’t seem to get rid of. I went into my old store the other day and saw my ex-Store Team Lead sitting on his fat ass in Food Avenue, heightening his cholesterol by cramming down a hot dog and soda. Leaning over his table like a dirty little whore was a Senior Team Lead who he’d banged the shit out of like she was Jenna Jameson. He was married at the time of their lengthy affair, yet this chick’s definitely hotter than his atrociously-hideous wife. So in order to move up the ladder, said Senior Team Lead thus rode said Store Team Lead like Seabiscuit. And him, being ugly and fat with an ogreish wife said, “Hell yeah, let’s hump!”
To preface this a bit with unnecessary information, “Dirty Whore” (as I will refer to her) has a constant camel toe. It’s not the type of camel toe where it’s somewhat noticeable and gets a few random chuckles. No–this camel toe is easily the most intense case of camel toe-age I have ever witnessed in my entire life of viewing and judging camel toes. This one takes the cake. (Sorry to refer to food here). I’m wondering how on earth she can bear it. I am female, and I know first-hand that a camel toe is one of the most uncomfortable things that can happen to your foo-foo. It’s like walking around using your vagina as a paperclip. Not cool. But apparently it either (A) doesn’t bother her, or, (B) she is into sadomasochism. She also has this blank, “I have no fucking clue what the Hell I’m doing, but I like the color sparkle” look to her–at all times. Probably the most eligible candidate for my “Who Wants To Be A Human Pinata?” contest.
Now onto “Fat Slob” (Store Team Lead)… He was totally busted bangin’ the shit out of Dirty Whore, and his wife nearly divorced him over it, until she remembered, “Oh yeah, I have absolutely no credentials in life and I like not working while sapping off of my fat husband’s salary”. So she opted to look the other way while her husband romped around with Dirty Whore.
These two were busted doin’ the nasty AGAIN in the food stock room (Yeah, hope you don’t mind extra cream on your bagel). He was getting some good old fashioned oral lovin’ from Dirty Whore, and the stockroom guy walked in on them. This was a year ago. And trust me, Fat Slob ain’t exactly the “ages well” type. So, you basically have a gray-haired fat dude getting some mouth action from a freaky-looking Barbie doll wannabe with a giant camel toe, in a dark, creepy Target stock room. Picture it.
Okay, that’s enough. Stop picturing it.
So back to me walking into the store. These two are being all googly-eyed with each other in Food Avenue, and of course, me hating both of them, along with Target as a whole, stop dead in my tracks. I look at the scene. Fat Slob sees me. She notices his stare, and she looks at me, too. I smile, and proceed to say (really loud), “Oooh, look at that…bow-chicka-bow-wow! You guys getting it on later?”
After an extremely long moment of awkwardness, I smile again and walk off to do my shopping while the “guests” in Food Avenue looked at them like they were a couple of dirty little hump buddies.
That’s it. Nothing amazing. Just my most recent experience with Target.
The End
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{INSERT SLOW CLAP] That was beautiful.
Thank you, thank you. It was, wasn't it. I patted myself on the back for it.
That's some fine comedy. Another reason I'm glad I avoid humping people I work with.
You can always hump the ones that are quitting; it eliminates that awkward "We bumped uglies" gaze in the next meeting.
There was one girl who worked over in the Starbucks section, and I wanted her. We became friends and I do care about her, but I knew that if I was gonna make a move, one of us had to leave the job. But by the time I quit, she got with somebody and is currently still with him (I know this because they still stop by to talk to me at the other job I've held on to).
That was awesome!!!! While reading about the camel toe, still in my red & khaki, I found myself awkwardly adjusting my pants. OUCH! No normal female wants camel toe yet it's abundant in Target and just ICKY especially since most of the women I work with are overweight. I have yet to figure out why they cannot seem to find khaki's in their size or at least close to their size! I'm so sick of seeing crack, front & back. The back is worse in my store. A big ole butt completely divided by a 3 inch deep crack! My only guess is that they're so fat that their crack has enough cushion to make it comfortable. I know they're wearing underwear so it's not just their pants in their crack. My crack would be raw and I wouldn't be able to sit down. There needs to be a policy about wearing appropriately fitting clothing! They gave us Tshirts a while ago and this woman, who's larger than me and I got a large just to be comfortable and allow for shrinkage on that cheap sweatshop made shirt, looks at a large and said how she needed a medium. I wanted to correct her so badly but I held my tongue.
As for the the 2 fucking I know first hand that it's entirely pointless to sleep with management unless you plan to blackmail them. It gets you NOTHING. Maybe an extra day here or there so you can blow n go the asshole in between your work when no one's there to really notice. Other than that, management doesn't seem to be scared about sticking their dicks wherever they please even if they're married. Knowing Target, if anyone got caught, the team member would be fired while the manager got a pat on the back!
Y'know...I coulda' really lived without the in-depth (no pun intended) description of your pants slicing up your vag.
But yeah, fat people suck. You seem pretty upset about the whole "sleeping with management" thing. Did you sleep with your manager and get that coveted 'extra day' on your schedule, only to be black-balled when the seasonal hires came around? Haha...just askin.
I didn't say they were slicing up there only that the story made me feel pain as tho it were.
I slept with management but my dumbass didn't do it for blackmail or bribery! I'm still a good little bitch about it, staying silent pretending to not know each other, but I got absolutely nothing out of it. Two thrusts & the sap was done. That didn't even give me a break from work!
Hahahahahaha, still had 14 minutes left on your 15 minute break! 🙂
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Holy shit, TargetsTarget... THAT is fucking funny as shit.
LOL! I got some pretty bad visuals, but it was a good story none the less! Kudos!
Kudos?
I don't need "kudos". I'm fully-aware of my unprecedented awesomeness.