Target Sucks - We Hate Target and We Know We're Not Alone.

November 18, 2012 - TargetSucks

You Mad, Bro?

              Everyone by now is well-aware that Target is opening its Gates To Hell, a.k.a. “Its Front Doors” at 9:00 p.m. sharp on Thanksgiving. This, of course, sucks a lot of balls for a hell of a lot of people, for a myriad of reasons. Not just the employees suffer here; the family members of the employees suffer as well, missing out on valuable, quality time with their loved ones who are forced at the tip of the corporate sword to walk the plank into the unknown that is “Black Thursday”.

I’ve seen petitions circling around, asking Target’s CEO and Head-Asshole, Gregg W. Steinhafel to decide against the decision to open on Thanksgiving Day. The petitions are useless, as this jackass doesn’t really have an empathetic bone in his body, and only gets hard when he sees dollar bills; which is why his wife is forced to wear lingerie that has money printed on it—that was, of course, sewn together by a sad, sad, lonely Chinese child. This man is a money hungry dickwad. In 2011, his total calculated compensation (the salary he’s earned thus far, and no doubt requested in all-ones so that he could roll around in it naked) was $19,707,107. His annual income is $1,500,000 with an annual bonus of $1,250,000…that’s $2,750,000 per year to those of you who cannot do math, or are too busy vomiting right now to do so. That’s more money than you or I will ever see in our lifetimes; you can’t even count that high before your life expectancy expires. Basically, it’s an astronomically sickening amount of money, and this asshole’s lovin’ every last penny of it—especially on Thanksgiving, when he’s carving his 50-pound turkey on his granite tabletop with a diamond-bladed knife and a smile on his face, while employees are slaving away like slaves in a mine all over the country.

So, seeing as how this jerkoff will never give a rat’s ass about the employees beneath him, nor the petitions that are going around, you might wanna just get so mad that you go, “That fucker! I’m gonna give him a call and let him have a piece of my mind! …Wait…I don’t have his phone number. Damn you, fate!”

Well, you’re in luck, because you’re about to. Gregg W. Steinhafel’s phone number is 612-304-6073, his fax number is 612-761-5555 and 612-307-8870, and the address is 1000 Nicollet Mall; Minneapolis, MN 55403. You can also email this prick at:

If those numbers don’t get you the satisfaction you need, call Terrence J. Scully, President of Financial and Retail Services, or email him at: He is the primary contact for all things “Fuck Target”.

Still not satisfied? Call Michael Francis; Chief Marketing Officer and Executive Vice President. His email is:

STILL not happy? Well then…Here’s the CEO’s home address: Gregg Steinhafel 2265 Northshore Dr; Wayzata, MN 55391-9347

You’re welcome.




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