Target Sucks - We Hate Target and We Know We're Not Alone.

February 10, 2014 - Hate_Me

How To Keep Your Shitty Job at Target

Here are some basic, simple rules to follow if you want to not only keep your job, but get promoted as well at Target. Stick to these, and you’ll be high-fiving your Store Team Lead with your cock in no time.

(1) Never work hard. Ever. If at all possible, only “pretend” to work hard when there is a guests nearby, at which point, you are to bury your head into your PDA and walk away as fast as you can.

(2) Talk shit on the perfectly-nice people whom your bosses hate. The management at Target LOVE to gang up on chosen targeted individuals. They like to set them up for failure, fuck with their schedules, accuse them of bullshit policy infractions, etc. So if you wanna be a real cocksucker like the rest of your management team, be sure to insult the Team Members they dislike by talking behind their backs relentlessly. Also, sharing a “this guy’s a dipshit” stare at your boss across a huddle formation while the targeted Team Member is talking will also score you points.

(3) Don’t give a shit about anything. No, seriously. The management staff don’t, so why should you? The more they see themselves in you, the more they’ll like you. Working late? Don’t throw a fit. Just mosey around like you’re doing something, touching a rack or shelf here and there to make the appearance as though you give a shit when you really don’t. The management team will see this and think, “My God…we have a real team player on our hands here. By golly, write them a Great Team Card!”

(4) Be late, and don’t give a shit that you are. Breeze into that fucking place like you are Chuck-fucking-Norris, and you could give two shits about the fact that you’re 10-30 minutes late. After all, you had to finish your mocha cappuccino and finish updating your Facebook post. “Late for work…AGAIN. Lol!” When your manager asks you why you were late, simply shrug and say, “Sorry. Won’t happen again.” Or don’t say a goddamn thing at all. Just shrug, as if you’re saying to them, “I defy time, space, and matter. Please step aside, meager humanoid.” Management will see this and inevitably, a twinkle will appear in their eye…perhaps a tear of joy at their new-found upper-management candidate–YOU!
(5) Don’t answer the backup cashier calls. Well, not immediately, anyway. Sure…do the lame thing where you get on your walkie and say, “This is so-and-so, I’m on my way up”…but never actually go up to the lanes. Sooner or later, they’re gonna call that additional cashiers call off, and you’ll have appeared like a valiant hero, racing across that ugly red carpet to save the Target day. When really, you were just making sure you were in an aisle where no cameras could see you blatantly ignoring the backup call. Sometimes, however, the GSTL will throw you a fastball and call you personally over the walkie, asking if you’re on your way up. Give it a pause…wait a few seconds…then finally respond, “I am with a guest at the moment, but as soon as I’m done, I’ll be right up”. No, don’t actually HELP a guest; this would just defeat the purpose. Instead, mosey up towards the front lanes as if you have every intention of actually helping. By the time all of this bullshit has occurred, they’ll most likely have called off the backup cashier thing altogether, and you’ll snap your fingers in an “Aw, shucks!” way as if you truly wanted to help. “Well, I guess it’s back to zoning for me. Sorry I couldn’t help out this time”. Then Facebook: “I work with the biggest idiots. LOL!”
(6) Abandons? P-put them away, you say? Um, how ’bout ‘No’. Who made you their monkey boy? Hm? You really wanna spend 2 hours putting abandons, reshop, or whatever the hell your store calls it? Of course you don’t, winner! That’s why you just take a cart all to yourself. Try to stick with a cart from Cosmetics, Health & Beauty, or Electronics. Why? Because the items in those carts will be small…and easy to hide. There are so many great places to hide abandons within the shelves and racks of Target. Why would you ever actually put one away? Just toss that shit wherever it can’t be seen immediately. Zoned shampoo bottles are a great place to toss shit behind; you can’t see behind them. The runners at the top of the cosmetic aisles are actually open-topped, so anything you throw up there will remain there, until the Planogram team eventually cleans it; by which time, you’ll be retired. Another great place is the greeting cards section. Did you know that the bottoms of the racks in greetings cards open up? Yeah, so just toss some shit in those drawers. Hide shit in Furniture, by stuffing abandons into the ottomans, cabinets, etc. Stuff things behind the pillows in Domestics. Hey–when you’re striving for upper management, mediocrity is where it’s at! You’ll seem like the fastest abandons-putter-awayer they’ve ever seen. Gold star! High five! Great Team Card!
(7) Don’t actually help people. “Can I Help You Find Something?” Perhaps the front door? Suicide pills? Fuck “helping someone find something”. That’s why the goddamn aisles are labeled and numbered. Any Target “guest” who’s been in the store at least twice should have a pretty good goddamn idea where shit’s at.
OLD LADY GUEST: “Excuse me, young man…can you tell me where Tide-To-Go pens are? My diaper has leaked again.”
YOU: “Aw, gee, I’m sure sorry ma’am, but I’m new here and I’m not quite sure where they are. But I can sure get you someone who knows.”
OLD LADY GUEST: “You are so sweet…thank you so much”
YOU: (getting on your walkie) “Chemicals?”
YOU: “Can you please meet a guest over in A-21? I’m sending her your way. She’s a sweet lady dressed in a knitted cat sweater, and the cats all have party hats on.”
RANDOM OTHER TEAM MEMBER ON WALKIE: “Umm…sure. Send her on over.”
See? You didn’t have to help this old lady. Pass the buck onto some other shmuck there. After all, you’re fucking busy right now. I mean, you’ve got like…30 Tweets to catch up on!
So, there’s 7 things that’ll probably help you get promoted at Target. I’d go on with more, but my elbows hurt from leaning in a weird position that I refuse to get out of, since it was deceptively comfortable at the beginning. Now go out there and BE SOMEONE!

Employee Experience / TargetSucks


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