May 19, 2013 - RedCardMan
Handling fruitcakes ….
1) So this old man and his wife were on my line of ten people over the holidays and they have only four large items in their cart.
I greet them cheerfully as I always do and they start right in, with heavy European accents – first the wife: “We need large bags! The BIG ones.” Okay sure – no problem, now lets ring up the first –
“We need ALL of them!”
Uh, I’ll give you several, but how about the first item? “How many will you give us, we need all of the them!”
You mean, the entire roll of 50 bags? “YES, ALL OF THEM.” Uh, no – I can’t do that, but lets ring up the first item and we’ll get your order bagged first, then we’ll worry about the rest, thank you.
Then the husband “Who are you – Mr. Target? We need many many bags! All of them!”
Okay, we’ll get to that in a moment, sir. Your first item, please. Now! (I’m beginning to get pissed off).
So we go through this bullshit with the four items back and forth for ten minutes as I check prices and re-check prices and they haggle and bicker with each other. Finally, the four item order is bagged and the wife pulls out a fifty two card deck of battered Target gift cards. “How much is on this one? And on this one? And on this one? And this one? And this one – and HOW MANY BAGS CAN WE HAVE, WE NEED ALL OF THEM!!!”
She had been tearing the cards out of my hands as I finished scanning each one of the first ten she handed to me – bad move: two things make me instantly homicidal: hitting me in the face or – grabbing things out of my hands. I’m shaking I’m so angry. I snap three cards at random out of HER hands – zap zap zap! Thank you, have a good day, ma’am – keep your receipt!
She and he, utterly stunned: “B-b-b-b-but, I didn’t tell you which ones I want to use! How will I tell which cards have money left? How? How?”
Me: Any cashier may scan the cards and let you know the denomination remaining. But not on this line – good day!
The husband “Our extra bags?”
Sorry – NO,
Good day, GOOD BYE!……….
And they waddled off in shock thumbing through their fucking gift cards.
2) Pyscho coupon lady regularly collects a basketful of dollar apothecary items, hundreds of dollars worth, presents her ancient stack a phone-book thick of out-of-date and inapplicable coupons. She got me once, I went through most of it, took ten minutes with a line behind her – then she DUMPS THE ORDER when they don’t work!
The next time: Ma’am, I need all these coupons matched to the items they apply to, thank you.
Her jaw hits the floor. Never got on my line again.
3) There is a certain type of “tough guy” who throws their big bills on to the counter (or worse, the belt) when I’m not looking and like I’m a fucking prostitute and looks off into space in another direction. That’s when I give them their change in nickels – one guy got two dollars worth because he was especially rude. Watch how their expression changes from bored inattentiveness to stunned silence.
4) Old gypsy looking lady is a regular, she has this scam going: you tell her the bill is, say, twenty dollars and she digs for and hands you two. “Ma’am, thats twenty dollars please!” She gives you another two.
This goes on like this for 5 minutes until the person behind her is so sick of it they invariably pay for the remaining few dollars just to get rid of her. The last time, I saw she had the money even though she kept mumbling and asking how much it was again, the person behind her starts handing her the money – –
“NO – Do NOT give her money, please. THANK YOU.”
And they don’t, and she pays in full for a change and she too never gets on my line again.
5) Impeccably dressed tall woman with her adult children and a 300 dollar grocery order, I bag exquisitely but place her box of tampons with some boxes of crackers or snacky cakes.
She, tearing the tampons out of the bag, throwing them over her shoulder – the kids are mortified and shrink back: “THIS DOESN’T BELONG WITH FOOD! NOT WITH FOOOOOOOD! IT’S DISGUSTING – DISGUSTIIIIIIIING! WHAT’S YOUR NAME? YOUR NAME!! ******! ******!!!!!!!!!!! I’LL NEVER SHOP HERE AGAIN, ******!”
I bite my lip from mentioning that the tampons aren’t used yet, you crazy fucking bitch, and are probably the cleanest thing in the store. Ho hum.
6) Very sweet old lady on my line is using a competitor’s plastic bag for her one item and is in the middle of paying when the younger funky dressed woman behind her begins excitedly screeching “He owes you a nickel! Get your nickel! You get a nickel off if you use your own bag!!!”
Her boyfriend/husband immediately hides his face in his hand.
“Ma’am,” I ask “I’ll have to cancel your card swipe (she’s in the middle of entering her pin debit number) but I’ll zap the nickel off if you like..”
“No no no!” she laughs “It’s okay!” as the receipt comes out. The other woman is frantically digging through her purse and is forcing a nickel on the lady. The husband is looking the other way, trying to escape. The nice lady exits with a little wave and smile. The nut-job isn’t done.
“You owe her that nickel!!! If you use your bags you get a nickel! You know that right, RIGHT?!!”
I take a deep breathe. “Actually, I was under the impression the idea was to not use ANY plastic at all – we give nickels off for canvas or cloth re-usable bags….”
“NO YOU DON’T! YOU GIVE THEM FOR ANY BAG! I KNOW YOU DO! I KNOW!!”
“Are we buying anything here? Okay…” scan scan scan, zap. “Okay, I’ve given you your nickel off. How are you paying?”
“YOU SHOULD HAVE GIVEN HER HER NICKEL OFF! I KNOW! IT’S ANY BAG!“
Now, I’ve had it. “Okay fine. You’re right. Next time for certain. How are you paying?”
“YOU HAVE TO – – !!“
Me, looking her right in the eye: “Understand: I don’t need this and I’m not in the mood. I’m done with this conversation. Are you paying? I’m not discussing this any longer…”
Woman with kids behind the nut :”WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY AND PAY? I HAVE KIDS AND I WANT TO GO HOME!!”
Nut is laying into me saying I’m acting “LIKE AN ASS.” Husband chimes in: “Honey, don’t call him an ass.”
Then they went at it, the nut’s husband almost has his coat over his head. Woman with kids “HURRY UP, ALREADY!”
Nut: “NOW I’M GOING TO GO SLOOOOWEEEEEEERRRR…” and she does, taking almost another 60 seconds to slide her card out from her wallet. Mom with kids is livid “YOU CRAZY FUCKING BITCH – PAY ALREADY!“
My immediate supervisor comes over and takes the woman away. Nutjob gets my name and goes off to “REPORT YOU FOR BEING RUDE!!!”
The sadist in me came out when, as the nut was walking away threatening to report me I held my name badge out and said “Make sure you spell it right, ma’am.”
And then the rest of my day began. Fuck ’em.
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You sir deserve a medal.